It All Changes in One Moment

Over the last week, I have had much to contemplate, much to commit to prayer.

The one thing that shocks me the most is how much everything can change in just one moment. Sometimes that change is a good one, like when you find out that you are pregnant. We experienced that type of change-in-a-moment in October. We hadn't been trying, in fact I was on the pill. But during a week when my husband was out of town, I realized in the busyness of "single-parent-duty" that something was up with me. I took the test, and in that moment - that very second - when two lines appeared, everything changed.

My family - We became a family of five.

My older son - He became the oldest son.

My younger son - He became the middle son.

My husband - He became the father of three children.

Me - I became the mother of three children.

Our home - It became a smaller house that needed some serious reorganizing.

Our cars - My SUV is big enough, but my husband's car will not seat two car seats and a booster.

The importance of my career - It became something to consider even more earnestly than before.

Our budget - It became a wee bit smaller (only a wee bit, see why here).

My To-Do list - It grew exponentially and suddenly included tasks like locating and unpacking hand-me-downs, thinking about baby names, knitting baby items.

It was such a surprise - a great big, joyful, awesome blessing of a surprise!

I waited four days until Hubby got home, and I told him. I attached an additional towel hook to the wall in the bathroom and waited for him to notice upon his return. He was shocked. Ecstatic. A little worried about finances, but so happy.

I visited the doctor for an ultrasound. We got a picture of a little splotch. I went back & got a new picture; the splotch had grown. I went back again & got yet another picture; the splotch had grown again and now had a heartbeat. We saw the flutter and a wiggle on the screen, and my heart leaped with joy. I grew a little bump and started making little accommodations in my wardrobe and my job.

And we told people. Our parents and siblings; our sons; friends; people we work with. All celebrated with us.


And then,

ten weeks and six days after that first moment of change...

we experienced another moment...

and it changed everything.

I went to the doctor for a routine visit on December 2. I went alone, you know, because it was a routine visit. We tried the external ultrasound, but there was "screening" and couldn't get a good image. So, we did the internal ultrasound. And it took one moment to see the thing I never expected to see. 

My baby had grown - I expected that. 

My baby looked like a baby - I expected that.

My baby had no heartbeat.

I did not expect that. I was not prepared for that.

There was no wiggle. No flutter. just a very still, very small baby.

My doctor was wonderful. He explained some things which I don't really remember now, and he sent me down the hall to the women's clinic in the hospital for a "check of life."

The technician was very kind. I think I was the only one who really needed to see a third ultrasound to confirm and fully comprehend what was happening. Looking back on the day, I think I was the only one who had doubts, who thought there must be something wrong with the machine.

The technician ran the fetal EKG, and I saw the flat line. And all I could think was, "No. No. I felt the flutter of movement just a few days ago. This is not happening." And then I saw the look on the technician's face. And then I cried.

Although everything changed again, we have found that a few things remain the same... sort of.

My house still needs reorganizing. 

My To-Do list is still too long.

The importance of my career is still something to consider.

We are still a family of five.

I am still the mother of three children:

          Tyson is nine years old.

          Riley is three years old.

           Shalom is in Heaven.

I'll be posting more about how we are coping with our loss, where faith fits in and how we are honoring our baby's memory in future posts. Please leave a comment if you have experienced this loss or love someone who has. I am finding comfort in the stories, thoughts and prayers of others. I would love to hear from you.