Won't You Consider?

Seven months ago, a very special blogger took a trip that changed the lives of many.

She changed the life of my family; she changed the life of a Kenyan family... just by taking a trip, presenting a need (because she's very good at that) and blogging about the whole thing.

Okay, that was much more simplistic than what actually happened, and I do believe in giving credit where credit is due (though she would probably say that she doesn't deserve any credit...). Kristen didn't just go on a trip. She trusted in God and allowed Him split her heart wide open, to show her the most heartbreaking places on Earth, to show her poverty, despair, faith and hope all rolled up into one of the most desperate areas known to man. And she came back and shared her experience with her readers. She continues to move hearts and hands through her blog.

And in bravely fulfilling a purpose that God seems to have assigned her, she moved our hearts and our hands, and we brought into our lives and our family a beautiful little girl who lives on the other side of the world.

And now, another blogger who moves me almost daily has embarked on a similar journey. Ann has a beautiful way with words. She has a talent for expressing in words that which does not easily translate from heart to mouth to syllables. She is a daily inspiration to me, though she doesn't know it at all.

If you have a moment, if you are brave enough to allow God to break your heart, if you have faith enough to allow Him to move you... please visit Ann's blog. She's been posting pictures and words all week that will repel you, hurt you, make you look into the face of desperation.

But her words will also show you true faith. Raw, powerful, inspiring faith.

And her words will show you that there is hope. Real, honest, tangible hope. God moves among the hearts of people, brings them together. Across miles, across oceans, across languages. It wasn't a terrible sacrifice for us, but it continues to be a tremendous difference for a seven year old girl in Africa.

Please read the stories of these women. And if you can find the space in your heart, make the space in your pocketbook, create the space in your life... consider making a real difference in the life of a real child.

Where Have I Been?

Well, for starters, I've been here:

Last weekend, we went camping at Onondaga Cave State Park, in Leasburg, MO. This was our second trip to this particular park, and this time we decided to take the tour of the cave.

The tour was 90 minutes, and took us very deep under the park. Despite the fact that I'm not crazy about small places, and I might be a complete sissy little afraid of the dark, I love cave tours.

If you've been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I love nature. I love anything that has to do with the outdoors (or in this case, the most natural of "indoors" possible).

My love of the outdoors is closely related to my relationship with God.

When I am out, in the parts of the world that have hardly been touched by humanity, I feel the closest to Him. I feel free to marvel at His power, His grace, His love.

I love that He put in us ~ as part of our humanness ~ curiosity, wonder, and appreciation for beauty.

I think that when God created this earth, He delighted in leaving for us interesting places to explore...

...interesting treasures to discover...

...hints of His power...

...and beauty to stand in awe of.

I found comfort in that big, dark space.

Because looking at these wonders, I was faced with the reality that God has always been here...

...and that He left his footprint, this beautiful reality of His power & might, for us to find.

And I'm certain that as I delighted in each new sight, He delighted in my curiosity, awe, and appreciation of the beauty He put there.

God big.

When the sky begins to darken...

...and the wind begins to blow...

...my Wild Thing looks at me, looks outside and with such serious concern says,

"Momma. Windy. Windy, Momma."

I pick him up and hold him close. I take him outside before the rain begins to fall. We go out to see the thing he fears, to feel it blowing our hair.

And then I hear myself say the words before I realize they're in my mind...

"Don't be scared. There's nothing to be afraid of...

"...God loves us.

He gives us rain to water our garden.

He gives us wind to cool our faces.

He gives us thunder to remind us that our God is big."

And I have no idea where the words came from. I wonder why I didn't just tell him the old standby about God rearranging the furniture in Heaven. And then I see it in his eyes, and I think he's beginning to understand. In that very basic way that a two year old understands anything. And in his toddler-speak he says,

"God big."

UFC, Religion Edition

Welcome to the Ultimate Fighting Championship - Religion Edition!

Tonight we have a much-anticipated match-up!

In this corner, we have a complicated fella. He's sometimes unpredictable, he's often selfish, he's responsible for the original sin... It's... FREE WILL!!!
And in the far corner, we have the reigning champion. He's mysterious, he's confusing to tiny-brained humans everywhere, defending his title... it's Omniscience!!!

As I have been reading through the Bible in 90 Days, I have been reflecting on a serious conversation I had long ago. It was with someone who would probably describe themselves as an atheist... although don't understand how a person could be so angry at someone whom they don't even believe exists.

Anyway, this person was basically trying to talk me out of my faith. At the time I was still new to my faith (I still feel new to my faith - will I ever really feel like I have a handle on it?) and I wasn't really equipped to have these conversations. I did my best, and I think I did okay.

The topic of free will came up, and this person said:
"...but if your 'God' already knows everything that is ever going to happen, and everything you are ever going to do, then you don't really have free will, do you? You submit yourself to a God who tugs on your strings & makes you dance whenever & however He wants."

This made me think.

Well, God did harden Pharoah's heart...

And the story goes that God made the enemies of Isreal oppress His people...

And it does say that an evil spirit from God came over Saul...

And, well, to that, I'm still not sure what to say. Other than God does give us feelings in our hearts. Isn't that how He calls us to various purposes? He puts a feeling, a pulling, yearning feeling in our hearts. And we can ignore it for a while, but He grows it & grows it until we have to pay attention. But even when we pay attention to it, we can still choose not to follow it. We can choose not to follow Him. Look at all the people out there who have heard the Gospel, but still choose to turn their backs on Him. That's free will, right there.

And as for this bit about His omniscience negating our free will? That's an easy one. Allow me to answer with an analogy.

My dad loves Coca Cola. Loves it. So I always keep a couple in my fridge, just for him (because we are not Coke drinkers in my house). Whenever he comes over, I usually say something like, "Dad, can I get you something to drink? I have tea, Coke, water and juice."

Now here's the thing: I am on record as being 100% accurate in predicting that my Dad will choose a Coke. In scientific terms, that practically makes it a law of nature.

The sun is hot.
The rain is wet.
My dad will choose Coke.

But just because I already know what he will choose to drink does not mean that he cannot make his choice. I did not tell him to choose Coke. I did not force him to choose Coke. My amazing statistical accuracy does not in any way diminish his ability to choose whatever he wants.

It's the same thing with God.

Just because He has amazing statistical accuracy with knowing everything that will ever, ever happen during the whole existence of all of time does not mean that I do not really get to exercise my free will. It just means that He won't be surprised by my choice (even if I sometimes surprise myself!).

So you see, my free will & God's omniscience are not in opposite corners. His Omniscience is not the opponent of free will. It's more like the TV camera that watches over the whole thing.

Satan is the real opponent of free will. Because he manipulates it & uses it against us every chance he gets.

Just ask Adam & Eve about that.

Thank you.

Here is what I love about my readers (all 6 of them!):

My readers are truly wonderful, compassionate people. I posted a request for prayers without giving any real information about the situation. I did not intend to be secretive or cryptic, but there are some things going on that I'm not ready to share. It's just not the time yet. (And NO, I am not pregnant.)

Well, it seems that in this little corner of the blogosphere, if you ask for prayers, prayers is what you get.

No questions asked.

No details requested.

No dirt dug up.

Just beautiful, wonderful prayers. Freely given out of compassionate hearts.

And for that I am so thankful.

I believe the main question has been answered, and I know now that I need to stop arguing with Him. I need to stop telling Him the many reasons I can see that it might not be best. And that is what I am doing.

I still don't have all the answers I sought. But I now feel a certain peace in the not knowing. I feel in my heart that He will reveal the details when His time is right (and, of course, not a moment before!). He's got a plan, and I'm on a need-to-know basis. But the plan is there. The answers are there. He will share them with me when the time is ready, when the situation is ready, when I am ready.

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me.

Blessings Come in Unexpected Forms (part 2)

Over the summer I discovered some really great blogs. They are authored by Christian moms. If you follow my blog, you already know this. And you also already know that in reading these blogs, I began to learn about what it really means to be a gracious woman, a daughter of God, a wife and mother who walks with Christ. There are many that I have discovered, and each one brings her own personality, experience and wisdom to this whole new world I am still discovering.

So at the end of August, school started again. And I went back to work again. And the transition has been hard.

really. hard.

And the first thing to go was internet time. I no longer posted on either of my blogs. I no longer read any of their blogs. I stopped sharing and I stopped receiving. It was "me time," and I didn't have time for it.


188 unread posts. It has been weeks. During those weeks, I was trapped in a downward spiral. I became tired, cranky, overwhelmed and generally unpleasant. I lost my joy, and I could feel my love and faith following close behind.

And then I had the worst week ever. That week I slept in instead of getting up early to spend time with the Lord every day. I don't think I prayed the whole week. Depression & anxiety were not only knocking at the door, they were pretty close to huffing & puffing and blowing my house down. Oh, and my house! It looked like a tornado had gone through it. My house tends to be a mirror of what I'm feeling inside. Clearly, I was feeling chaos. Overwhelmed, insane chaos. I was failing big time and needed to get myself together.

Except that I can't really get myself together. Because it was when I tried to do it myself that the wheels came off my wagon.

...and you'll have to come back tomorrow for the conclusion of this post!

Thankful Thursday

I didn't have time to grab the button this morning. I'll get it before next Thursday. But for more words of thanksgiving, click here.

1. I'm thankful for my family. God has blessed me with a husband and two beautiful sons. My husband is a quiet, peaceful, patient man, and I know that God placed him in my life to draw me back from the precipice many years ago. My sons are unique in their own wonderful ways. Both are kind a sweet natured; one is a dreamer; the other is a firecracker. The greatest joy I have known is watching them grow. We love much. I am fortunate to be able to spend every afternoon & evening with my children, and most of the evenings with my husband. We all spend as much time as the Lord grants us on the weekends. They keep me grounded and calm.
2. I'm thankful for my job. It is one of the most difficult jobs I can think of. It is also one of the most rewarding. This is what God called me to do. When people talk about what they would do if they won a million dollars, I know that I would still do this. I would still go to work every day. I love serving the Lord by serving his most remarkable children.
3. I'm thankful for sleep. Both of my children are really good sleepers, and I am thankful that I am allowed to get at least 7 hours of mostly uninterrupted sleep just about every night.
   
4. I'm thankful for my friends. I don't have many, but the ones I do have are such good people. There is my lifelong friend who has recently reappeared in my life. She knows all of my deepest, darkest secrets - and she loves me anyway. There is the work-friend, who shares a faith that is very similar to my own. I know I can always seek council with her. There is the unexpected friend, who is funny and honest and is the Godmother to my younger son. There is the friend who is also my mother in law. She is an amazing woman, and is exactly who I think of when I read Titus 2. She is always happy to impart her wisdom - when I ask, and she accepted me many years ago when most other mothers would have rejected me.
5. I'm thankful for the blue sky. It has been raining for days and days. It's been a while since I've seen the gorgeous blue sky. But I know it's up there, behind all those rain clouds. And as soon as they finish dropping their rain & move on, I will be able to see it again. Eventually.

"...When You Needed Me the Most..."

I'm still here. Although I have been oddly absent from the blogosphere lately.

It hasn't been by choice. This whole "having a career" thing is putting a serious damper on my blogging activities.

Actually it's putting a serious damper on most of my activities.

Two weeks ago, I even failed to spend time with the Lord every morning. For a whole week.

Why is it that when the going gets tough, that's the first thing I walk away from? When I need Him the most, I stop praying, stop reading, forget what it is that I'm trying to learn to do.

I know the poem says that when we need Him the most is when He carries us... but I'm thinking maybe we (or I, at least) completely interfere with that by stubbornly standing my ground, digging in my heels and repeating one of my older son's favorite pre-school phrases:

"No. I do myself." (Only it sounded more like, "No. Ah doo Mahsewfff.")

Why is it that at the first sign of things getting hectic or stressful, I not only refuse to give Him any of my new burdens, but... in addition... I take back all the ones I successfully handed over for Him to carry for me?

Will I ever learn to get this right? Have any of you learned to get this part right?

WFW

But the fruit of the Spirit is
Love, joy, peace, patience,
kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self control.
~Galatians 5:22

If only practicing these every day was as easy as picking an apple from a tree...

For more goodness, click here!

Newly Saved?

I think... that it is possible... that I only recently... became saved.

Those were strange words to type just then.

Because I thought that I was already saved. Although I could not point to a moment and say, "That's when I became saved," I was pretty sure it had happened.

But then something really did happen. Over this summer, as I began to read more & more of what I call "ChristianMomBlogs," I started to notice some real changes in my home, my life, my heart.

It began casually enough. I read a post on priorities & schedules. Then I read about training and disciplining children. And then I read about peace from a mother's perspective.

And sort of rapidly... something inside me changed. It was as if Someone lit a fire under me. I couldn't pray enough, couldn't read my Bible enough, couldn't find enough Biblical guidelines for how I should be living my life.

I was thirsty, but not for water. I was hungry, but not for bread.

I still am.

And then, last week, I was listening to the "Church Channel" on the radio (the BOTT Radio Network). I can't remember if it was Adrian Rogers or Chuck Swindal (I like them both). But he was talking about the Commandments. He said that we don't follow the Commandments in order to be saved. We follow the Commandments because we are saved. He stated that when the Holy Spirit fills us, we are filled with a desire to keep God's Law. We are compelled to follow the Law and to walk each day with the Lord and to seek Him in all things. And then he said, "...and if you think you're saved, but you don't feel that, then there aught to be a big question mark about that." And I had to stop and say, "Woah."

Because I have never before felt what I feel now. But if I was truly saved, shouldn't I have felt it? I mean, shouldn't I have felt even a little tickle of it? I was raised in a religious organization that taught untruths about God. (Like, serious untruths that I will surely spend the rest of my life trying to unlearn.) So maybe that lead me to believe that I had been saved, but that I really hadn't. Not really.

Because it never felt like this before.

Things I have learned, and continue to learn have drastically changed the way I interact with my husband, raise my children, keep my home, do my job... the things I do, the things I think, the choices I make, the actions I take. None of these is done without consideration of my Lord and his Word. (Okay, some are still done according to my own will. Hey, I'm only human!)

I guess it doesn't really matter if I was really saved before or not. I am definitely saved today.

I feel so new and shiny, like that new pair of shoes, or that new purse... because today I know that I am saved.

Praise the Lord. I am definitely saved today.

Why Did He Let That Happen?

This is something I ponder often. Usually, I trust that God had some reason for allowing various events to conspire in my life. I don't always get to know the "why," but I can usually trust that there is one.

Sometimes, I look back at things that happened weeks, months or even years ago, and say, "Oh, I get it. I learned ____, or That lead to ______." Other times, I look back across the years, and I am still completely confused. I know He has a "why"... I just don't get it.

While I feel like I've only recently begun a journey to Christ, the truth is that my journey began long, long ago. It seems like a lifetime ago.

When I was little, my family didn't go to church. We didn't talk about God. I don't think this was intentional, I think He just never came up in our conversations. Prayers were said at my grandparents' house on holidays; church was a place we went with them on rare occasions. But "religion," and "faith" were not parts of our lives.

Then, when I was... oh, I don't know... maybe 8 years old (?) my parents found a new "church" to attend. I don't know how they found it, but I think maybe it was through a friend or the friend of a friend. I just vaguely remember this one evening when some people came to our home; they prayed and read the Bible and sang some pretty cool songs (& someone had a guitar!). After that, we joined them & Sunday morning became a day of worship.

The "church" was not really a church. There was no big building to go to. There was no preacher who wore any special outfit. There were no pews, and there was no organ. We went to someone's house every Sunday for "fellowship" (not "church").

This organization was called The Way Ministry (aka The Way International). It was essentially a cult. Don't panic! It wasn't like the ones you see on TV (where the FBI is shooting tear gas into a compound of KoolAid drinkers). Nobody wore denim from head to toe (or Little House on the Prairie dresses); nobody changed their names to sound more Old Testament; there was no polygamy; and it wasn't so creepy as the word "cult" makes it sound.

We remained active with that group well into my teens. Well, my Dad didn't really buy a lot of it; I think it contradicted his childhood training in the UCC. But my mom continued to take us to Fellowship on Sundays (and Children's or Teens' Fellowship on Saturday mornings) long after my parents split up.

I, being in my formative years, bought everything they taught, lock, stock & barrel. It was this group that laid the (very warped) foundation for my journey through faith. I have spent the better part of my twenties and (the few years I've had in) my thirties (ahem) unlearning what I learned there. I'm not sure if I will ever unlearn some pieces.

I feel like a child whose parents took her outside every day, and said, "See that sky? It's green. See that grass? It's blue." Only to grow up and go out into the world, always believing what she was taught when she was little, and have some stranger on the street say, "What the heck are you talking about? Are you color blind? The sky is blue and grass is green." I would imagine that for the rest of that child's life, she would always think of the grass being blue, and would always have to remind herself that, no. The grass is green.

And I wonder. Why did God let that happen? Why did He, in his infinite wisdom, allow someone to paint for me a picture of Him that was so wrong? Why would He allow me to learn all that stuff that would eventually lead me to have to fight for my faith?

Maybe someday He will reveal the answer. Maybe someday I'll get to ask Him (respectfully, humbly, of course) what the heck that was all about.

For now, I think I'll have to be satisfied with the understanding that there is a why... even if He's not telling me what it is today.