Friday, April 6, 2012

Miscarriage, or, How I got My First Broken Heart

This is a post four months in the making. Actually, I think it's going to have to be a series of posts because there is a lot of stuff bouncing around in my brain. My hope is that, in sharing my story and some of my thoughts and feelings, I might somehow help someone out there who is going or has gone through a miscarriage.

Because, y'all, it is not something to go through without a little help. I was blessed to have a lot of support, and I don't mind telling you that some of that support came from people and places I did not expect. I appreciated every little well-wish, prayer, note, text and bit of advice and wisdom I received. I especially appreciated the women who shared with me the stories of their own loss through miscarriage. I'm part of that club now; the club that nobody wants to be a part of. I found the others here to be incredibly supportive.

Most of the people who read my blog already know the story (since I am either related to or married to most of my small readership). But, just in case you have stumbled across this purple brick road from somewhere other than my family tree, I will share the story of how I came to experience my first real broken heart.

Matt and I already have two fantastic sons, and we talked about maybe having another baby eventually. But it had always been a decision to be made later. Then, in October (while Matt was out of town for a five day bike trip) I discovered that the good Lord had taken the decision out of our hands. I was pregnant! I was excited. I was scared. I was a little frustrated at having to wait FOUR MORE DAYS to tell my husband. I had been faithfully taking The Pill. (By the way, that statement on the little insert that talks about oral contraceptives being 99.8% effective? They are not kidding.) But there they were. Two very clear, pink lines.

When Matt came home, I told him. We told the boys. We told our families. We went to the doctor and got the first ultrasound. The picture of what our four year old called, "a splotch" went up on the fridge.

And time marched on.

We got a second ultrasound, saw the heart beat and even saw a little wiggle. We told our bosses and coworkers. We started to throw around some names. We nicknamed the baby "iBaby version 3.0." (actually, the baby's godmother to be came up with that one!)

And time marched on.

I went in for a third ultrasound because there was some question about the due date. Matt went to work that day, I went to the doctor's office. It was routine. My biggest concern that morning was whether I could finally get an abdominal ultrasound, or if I would have to "drop trou" again. Ahem. I walked in, joking and laughing. We tried the belly, but couldn't get a good picture. I changed out of my pants and into a large napkin, and the doctor started the ultrasound. Size looked good; we were narrowing down the due date!

And then time stopped.

There was no wiggle. No flutter. No heartbeat. iBaby was gone. The doctor was very kind, although he used words like "blighted ovum" and "25% chance" and "chromosomal abnormality." I think. I'm not sure. It was hard to hear him over the very loud voice in my brain that kept yelling, "THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING." I made the very long walk to the other end of the medical complex to get a better ultrasound. A tech and another doctor were very kind as they delivered the same verdict using many of the same words. They gave me a picture and sent me on my way.

I was numb. I barely cried during that hour. My brain had a hard time accepting this information. The whole time, I had a text-versation going with my husband and my best friend. Both offered to meet me at the office, but what could they do? I was holding it together, mostly out of shock. I kept thinking that someone would catch me in the hall or call me and say that they were sorry because it had all been a mistake, and what were the odds of two different ultrasound machines in two different offices breaking on the very same day... 

Matt met me at home and we talked. We hugged. We prayed. I cried. A lot. We planned. We had to figure out how to fit this into our life, our family. We had to tell everyone. We had to tell our boys. I had to schedule a DNC because it seemed that my body was as unwilling to accept this news and let go as my brain had been.

And time marched on.

Three days later, I had the DNC. My doctor was kind enough to forgo describing exactly what the procedure entailed. I didn't want to know. I still don't. That morning was hard. I woke up with a baby in me, and I went to bet empty. In more ways than one.

And time has marched on.

I'm okay with it now. Four months and a lot of reading, crying and praying later, I can honestly say, "I am okay with my miscarriage." This does not mean that I'm not still sad. Or that my heart isn't broken anymore. Or that I don't sometimes turn my face to God and ask "why did you give me this?" I still cry. I still think about it every day. My heart still hurts.

They say time heals all wounds. They are mistaken. Some wounds never heal. This is one of them. For the rest of my days on this earth, I will have this break in my heart. It is not healing with time.

But, with time and prayer, I am learning to live with it. I might even be learning to be thankful for it. But that's a post for another day...


  1. I get it. I am learning to deal with mine too.
    Always praying for you.

  2. I accidentally read this and it really made me think. I will have to work hard to make my website useful and more popular. Everyone please refer to offline !!! thank you very much
    Create Discount master, Product discount master, best autoketing

  3. Thanks a lot for enjoying this beauty article with me. I am appreciating it very much! Looking forward to another great article. Good luck to the author! All the best!
    App Shipping Bar Master
    Shipping Bar for Shopify

  4. One thing I want to talk to you is thank you. Your posts help me open my mind. I find them very interesting. They ease me in the hard time. Thanks for sharing your articles.
    currency converter box free online
    currency converter app

  5. This is great, this post gives me a lot of information and opens up my knowledge, let's discuss this issue, I'm very excited, thanks so much for posting it.
    email with love, email app download, best autoketing app

  6. It’s really extraordinary and informational blog such a good thinking. It's in reality a great and useful piece of information. I'm glad you have this helpful information with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.
    facebook live chat help
    facebook customer service live chat

  7. You know what? I really like your posts. I wander on the internet to find something new or unique. And I see your articles. I decided to linger at your site and read more and more. I hope that you can upload new posts. I will be the first one to read them. Thanks a million
    y8y8y8 unblocked games
    kizi game
    gogy for free games

  8. I hope this post of yours will be more appreciated by it really excellent, i enjoyed it, thanks for posting it.
    Stickman Warriors games to play, Cooking Christmas Traditional Food unblocked, Wheelie Challenge games for school kids

  9. Do you know that there are readers loving to read your posts everyday? So please write and post more. I choose to follow your writing because they bring me what I want. They have knowledge and information. I will support you a lot. Thanks
    games free for kids
    jogos friv gratis 2019


  10. food games online
    basketball free game
    soccer games free
    o you know that there are readers loving to read your posts everyday? So please write and post more. I choose to follow your writing because they bring me what I want. They have knowledge and information. I will support you a lot. Thanks

  11. 2player game online
    io jogos gratis
    free online juegos games
    Amazing! Its really amazing article, I have got much clear idea concerning from this article. I was suggested this web site by my cousin. I’m now not positive whether this post is written by way of him as nobody else recognize such exact about my problem.

  12. When I have spare time, I often read your posts.Those are what I want to know.I'm thankful if you can upload more posts later. Thanks for your sharing.
    miniclip com 2019, a10 kids, Jogos 2019

  13. The third dog in this post, Buddy, makes me feel nostalgic. You may or may not know this, but I used to have a dog named Buddy as well. I grew up with Buddy, my family's yellow lab, starting when I was in middle school. He died just this past January after spending twelve years with our family. I know Buddy is a really common name for a dog, but it still made me feel a connection!
    online game for kids
    jogos friv online
    gratis jogos 360

  14. The writing work is remarkable, and I am so pleased that you were able to share this article here.I am looking forward on your next post, I’ll attempt to get the hang of it! sales notifications pop sales
    kizi games 2 unblocked
    friv jogo jogar
    friv4school 2019


I would love to hear from you (as long as you're not a robot.)!