I'm still here. Although I have been oddly absent from the blogosphere lately.
It hasn't been by choice. This whole "having a career" thing is putting a serious damper on my blogging activities.
Actually it's putting a serious damper on most of my activities.
Two weeks ago, I even failed to spend time with the Lord every morning. For a whole week.
Why is it that when the going gets tough, that's the first thing I walk away from? When I need Him the most, I stop praying, stop reading, forget what it is that I'm trying to learn to do.
I know the poem says that when we need Him the most is when He carries us... but I'm thinking maybe we (or I, at least) completely interfere with that by stubbornly standing my ground, digging in my heels and repeating one of my older son's favorite pre-school phrases:
"No. I do myself." (Only it sounded more like, "No. Ah doo Mahsewfff.")
Why is it that at the first sign of things getting hectic or stressful, I not only refuse to give Him any of my new burdens, but... in addition... I take back all the ones I successfully handed over for Him to carry for me?
Will I ever learn to get this right? Have any of you learned to get this part right?
I don't know, but when you find the answer, let me know! No, seriously though, I think the answer can be found in our pasts. I know you (and I to an extent, but not nearly as much) were required to be self-reliant and play the caretaker role so early in life that you got used to "ah doo mahsewfff". It's a stumbling block for a lot of us. He's not keeping score...He knows we all stumble and fall. What matters is that you recognize it, and know that regardless, He's there. Just waiting. I don't think it's a matter of "getting it right"...that implies you're doing something inherently "wrong". And you're not, you are just human. I know this probably makes no sense and doesn't help a lot...but go easy on yourself. It's not a competition. Faith doesn't have to be "perfect". What matters is that you have the faith to recognize what is going on and making a conscious decision to do it differently next time. :)
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