I know that I am usually pretty upbeat (some might even say "quirky," though I don't know about that).
But today I'm not feeling very upbeat. Or quirky.
I am remembering back to the time when Matt & I were first thinking and praying about starting a family.
The one prayer I most frequently uttered was to ask God to help me be a good mother, and to bless us with precious, healthy children and a house full of joy (and free from the yelling grew up with).
I've been thinking about that time for about two days now. And I keep coming back to the feeling that in answer to our prayers... (guard your eyes if you're sensitive...)
That in answer to our prayers, God shit on us and then had a big ole laugh.
Because none of that stuff happened.
Instead, one of our children has a disability, and everything has to be a fight, an argument. And instead of being flexible and listening to reason, he screeches and throws tantrums. And even though I swore I would never yell at my kids the way I was used to parents yelling, that's about all I do with this one and I feel powerless to stop that. And so our home is not full of joy; it is full of yelling, arguing & screeching. The younger one is beginning to pick up on the older one's terrible behaviors and I don't see any divine intercession taking place at all. Instead, I feel like God pooped on me, laughed & then walked away throwing a casual, "Yeah. Good luck with that," over his shoulder. And He hasn't called or written since.
I'm sorry. I know you hate the language, and honestly, so do I.
But the feeling is so big right now, I have no other words to describe it.