I know that I am usually pretty upbeat (some might even say "quirky," though I don't know about that).
But today I'm not feeling very upbeat. Or quirky.
I am remembering back to the time when Matt & I were first thinking and praying about starting a family.
The one prayer I most frequently uttered was to ask God to help me be a good mother, and to bless us with precious, healthy children and a house full of joy (and free from the yelling grew up with).
I've been thinking about that time for about two days now. And I keep coming back to the feeling that in answer to our prayers... (guard your eyes if you're sensitive...)
That in answer to our prayers, God shit on us and then had a big ole laugh.
Because none of that stuff happened.
Instead, one of our children has a disability, and everything has to be a fight, an argument. And instead of being flexible and listening to reason, he screeches and throws tantrums. And even though I swore I would never yell at my kids the way I was used to parents yelling, that's about all I do with this one and I feel powerless to stop that. And so our home is not full of joy; it is full of yelling, arguing & screeching. The younger one is beginning to pick up on the older one's terrible behaviors and I don't see any divine intercession taking place at all. Instead, I feel like God pooped on me, laughed & then walked away throwing a casual, "Yeah. Good luck with that," over his shoulder. And He hasn't called or written since.
I'm sorry. I know you hate the language, and honestly, so do I.
But the feeling is so big right now, I have no other words to describe it.
Keowdie,
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug. Having a special needs child isn't easy (speaking from experience here), and I think we all sometimes feel abandoned by Him.
I hope that in time you will be able to approach each day, hour, and moment with love, and to embrace your child's unique talents.
Cindy
http://www.sidetrackedartist.blogspot.com
I hate that you're feeling this way. I understand where you're coming from though, I really do. For years this is how I've felt due to our infertility struggle.
ReplyDelete"because none of that stuff happened"...well, actually, it did. You were blessed with precious children. Hold on to that. Your prayers to create a family, to BE a family were answered. Granted, it's not how you thought it would look, but often times it's not. Unfortunately.
I am in NO WAY trying to minimize your pain, frustration, anger, sadness or any other emotion you are feeling right now. I know you're in it up to your eyeballs. I've been there with the sadness, anger, frustration and feeling like God has taken a giant steamer on your dreams. Believe me, I've been there. I'm still there. I live it everyday as I still, six years later, am praying to be blessed with a child.
I wish I had the words to help, to reassure, to comfort you. But I don't.
Again, as always, all I can offer is my unconditional love for you and my most earnest heartfelt prayers for you, Matt, and the boys. I love all of you, and wish I could do more to help. :(