I know that I am usually pretty upbeat (some might even say "quirky," though I don't know about that).
But today I'm not feeling very upbeat. Or quirky.
I am remembering back to the time when Matt & I were first thinking and praying about starting a family.
The one prayer I most frequently uttered was to ask God to help me be a good mother, and to bless us with precious, healthy children and a house full of joy (and free from the yelling grew up with).
I've been thinking about that time for about two days now. And I keep coming back to the feeling that in answer to our prayers... (guard your eyes if you're sensitive...)
That in answer to our prayers, God shit on us and then had a big ole laugh.
Because none of that stuff happened.
Instead, one of our children has a disability, and everything has to be a fight, an argument. And instead of being flexible and listening to reason, he screeches and throws tantrums. And even though I swore I would never yell at my kids the way I was used to parents yelling, that's about all I do with this one and I feel powerless to stop that. And so our home is not full of joy; it is full of yelling, arguing & screeching. The younger one is beginning to pick up on the older one's terrible behaviors and I don't see any divine intercession taking place at all. Instead, I feel like God pooped on me, laughed & then walked away throwing a casual, "Yeah. Good luck with that," over his shoulder. And He hasn't called or written since.
I'm sorry. I know you hate the language, and honestly, so do I.
But the feeling is so big right now, I have no other words to describe it.
You feel like this is not the life you asked or prayed for. That this is your lot and you hate it. That there is no hope for change. That is is because God is mocking/punishing you and doesn't care about you.
ReplyDeleteAm I understanding you? I have to ask, because I am not good at understanding people.
Now what to do? What do we do with the life we are given vs. what we want? What do we do when we lose hope and we are unable to comprehend any victory for change? What do we do when we feel God is absent, uncaring, harsh? When we are at the bottom of everything. When our hope is gone.
Dear God, I pray that you will restore Keowdie's broken heart and spirit. That you will meet her even as she makes one tiny step toward you. That you will fill her with your love that is so deep that even the most desperate person can find healing and purpose upon a glimpse of your Son hanging on a cross.
I pray that she will be as patient with her son, her lot in life, and herself as she needs others to be with her. That your grace will encompass her and the devil will flee in Jesus' name. That Keowdie will only embrace truth, and cast down all the worthless and destructive thoughts. That she will embrace hope, and cling to it's Giver with her whole might. Bring her out of the miry pit, establish her goings, put a new song in her mouth...a song of praise. (Ps.40 He has done this for me. He can do it for anyone.)
Keowdie,
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug. Having a special needs child isn't easy (speaking from experience here), and I think we all sometimes feel abandoned by Him.
I hope that in time you will be able to approach each day, hour, and moment with love, and to embrace your child's unique talents.
Cindy
http://www.sidetrackedartist.blogspot.com
I hate that you're feeling this way. I understand where you're coming from though, I really do. For years this is how I've felt due to our infertility struggle.
ReplyDelete"because none of that stuff happened"...well, actually, it did. You were blessed with precious children. Hold on to that. Your prayers to create a family, to BE a family were answered. Granted, it's not how you thought it would look, but often times it's not. Unfortunately.
I am in NO WAY trying to minimize your pain, frustration, anger, sadness or any other emotion you are feeling right now. I know you're in it up to your eyeballs. I've been there with the sadness, anger, frustration and feeling like God has taken a giant steamer on your dreams. Believe me, I've been there. I'm still there. I live it everyday as I still, six years later, am praying to be blessed with a child.
I wish I had the words to help, to reassure, to comfort you. But I don't.
Again, as always, all I can offer is my unconditional love for you and my most earnest heartfelt prayers for you, Matt, and the boys. I love all of you, and wish I could do more to help. :(