Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Lingering Question

Alarms went ignored.

Gentle words from a mother waking her child went ignored.

People slept too late, and there was such a frenzied rush to get out the door.

Pets went ignored.

Even the cries of a toddler wanting "up" went ignored.

When the mother's voice went ignored again and again, her voice got louder.

She hates to yell.

Doesn't realize she's doing it until the words, impatient & much too loud have been released into the world like a thunderstorm.

She thinks to herself that this is what she knows. This is what her mother did when she was little.

But she's a grown woman now. She can make her own choices, doesn't have to follow paths forged before her.

So why? Why does she still do it?

There is an answer, hanging in the back of her mind.

It scratches at the back of her skull like a rat scratches behind a wall.

It tells her that she's not good. She's full of sin and is letting that awful nature win the battle.

He forgives. She knows this. Her Father is full of Grace, and he forgives her.

But the damage is still done.

It puddles up, fills up the house and the home and the lives like rainwater filling a river.

And what if it's all her fault?

What if her bad habits broke the little one she loves so much?

What if the thing the doctor says in a few weeks is all her fault?

What if she caused the inattention, the behaviors, the trouble?

What if the tiny raindrops of her quick temper, her impatience, her loud words all piled up on the first who swelled her heart?

What if God blessed her with a beautiful son, as perfect as a human can be...

...and she ruined him with her own imperfections?

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweetie. I don't even know what to say. I'm sure nothing can stop the doubt and questions. I don't believe you have "ruined" him. But I know that I also don't live with the bahaviors, frustrations, and flares of temper everyday as you do. I am sorry you are doubting yourself. I wish I could wipe away that pain. If I could take it away I would. All I can do is wrap you in hugs, prayers and love. And if you need some chocolate and a snotrag, I can be on my way in a heartbeat. I love you.


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